Spilt Milk Duds

I can’t sleep.

It’s almost 2:00 a.m. again.

I can never fall asleep before 2:00 no matter how hard I try.

I lay in bed and my body says “Bitch you’re not going to sleep yet”, so here I sit writing a blog about this unfortunate conundrum.

I think that if it wasn’t for Marijuana I would be 30 pounds lighter. That’s a bad thing. I weigh between 130 and 140 pounds. Every day I take Adderall for A.D.D. and it helps me concentrate tremendously. Without it I don’t think I’d get by school, or at least it would be a hundred times harder. It really is like steroids for your brain. The downside to taking it is it suppresses your appetite to the point that food is a challenge to eat even when you try to. I just tried eating dinner (pasta and chicken) and I couldn’t do it. I ate three bites of pasta and it felt like I’d throw up. Since marijuana causes the munchies, a spike in hunger, I use it to balance my diet. Of course I smoke weed for the feeling but unless it’s the weekend I never use it to get “fucked up”. I enjoy the mental release from adderall. Adderalls great for concentrating but the downside to it is that it causes you to concentrate on EVERYTHING, including stress. I feel very stressed if I work on homework at the end of the day.

Adderall is to marijuana as a headache is to aspirin. 

I keep wanting to do something with my life but I’m not getting anywhere. I come home to my dad calling me a “dumb fuck” just for coming home late (because that’s exactly the type of thing to call your kid) which is exactly why I hate being home. Then I hang out with friends, party, have fun and whatnot. But I still get nothing done by doing that. I come home and the whole thing repeats. I even try to hang out with different people but they either don’t pick up and/or flake on me. I know I’ve done the same to other people before but it sort of hits you when everyones doing it to you at the same time. Sort of makes you feel like your not worth shit. I’m actually quite miserable at the moment. See how this week goes…

 …I’m writing a blog. 

So I’m still dealing with my parents but I have no idea what to do. I’ve been going to parties recently but my parents are flipping their shit about it. I understand that parents aren’t exactly fine with their kids going to parties all of the time but I’m fucking 17 years old. Last night I snuck out to go to a party and my mom called me freaking out once again. I let her know I was at a party and I was coming home tomorrow. Well today came and I slept all day because I only got like three hours of sleep in a very uncomfortable car. When I came home I realized why I hate being home so much, same thing as every day; mom yells at dad, mom tells Joe how much of a failure he is, mom complains to Joe about whatever she can find, dad won’t get a real job to pay the bills so mom yells at him about that, my dad yells at me about how he can tell me to do whatever he wants because (as he’s inferring) he “owns” me. Today he pretty much told me that he’s going to try to kick me out when I’m 18. 

I just love how fucked up shit can get. One week everything’s fine but once you do one thing that shouldn’t even be bad, I get fucked over. Now, I would fucking love to let my parents know I was going to a party and coming back the next morning but noooo that wont go through alright.

They call me stupid not because I go to the party but because I don’t tell them I’m going to it and sneak out to go to it. But why the fuck would I let them know I’m going to a party? So they can stop me from going to it??? 

About a week or two ago they took away my computer monitor for going to a party. Every person that came to my house last weekend was like “Why the fuck do you still not have your monitor?” I’m not the only one that thinks my parents are extremely out of line. My mom seriously has extreme depression and menopause and my dad really is an alcoholic. I’ve found three places that he hides alcohol that my mom doesn’t know about. One in a filing cabinet next to his computer and another behind some papers in the same room.

This is some bullshit because I can’t concentrate on my studies and my grades are dropping because of it. I absolutely never want to go home after school because my parents are non-negotiable and don’t listen to me, they’re always fighting, and we’re pretty much broke now and I don’t have any idea how they’re going to fix there shit, quite frankly I don’t even know how I’ll afford college. My mom already let me know that we probably won’t have a Christmas this year…

Fuck it.

I should find a girlfriend. It would get my mind off weed which at the moment is probably the best thing. 

.

I’m so bored. It should be the weekend already. You know what’s fun? Me either.

Something I’ve come to realize is that shit happens…all the time. Like everyday. Lots of shit happens without you even knowing it.  Fuck there’re somethings I miss.

gwenannhua:

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